"NEW PLAN! I’m gonna make confetti out of little girl panties! MOMMMMMMM! I’m gonna make confetti out of little girl panties and throw it in your face!"
"*at the top of her lungs* I DO NOT HAVE ANAL CANCER. Or ankle cancer. Or any cancer. I just have ankle lumps!!"
"*to the tune of Wheels on the Bus* The poop in your butt goes plop plop plop, plop plop plop, plop plop plop, the poop in your butt goes plop plop plop, alllll through your colonnnnnnn! ….I can sing it for you in whale too!"
…..I don’t even know how this is related to me.
"What the fuck is that?! It looks like a hobbit! …..wait no, not a hobbit! It’s Micky Dolenz! That’s what’s wrong with his face; Micky Dolenz is a Pekinese!"
Kimmy, watching the Best In Show dog show
|Kimmy:||I don't get it. Why does this matter?|
|Dad:||This is history happening RIGHT. NOW. These don't happen every day, it's important!|
|Kimmy:||All he's doing is walking around waving at people! I could do that. Why does anybody care when he does it?|
|Dad:||Because he's the president and you're not.|
|Kimmy:||I still don't get it. Is this because it's a black holiday?|
|Dad:||Fuck! That was my kidney!|
|Kimmy:||Well screw your kidney!|
"I want to live in Malibu! It sounds fun! ….Wait, where’s Malibu? Is it, like, in the U.S.?"
"God! Nobody cares about your flowery, pearly nipples, mom!"
Kimmy, commenting on a sweater
|Mom:||Ewww, you dropped popcorn on your crotch and you're still eating it?|
|Kimmy:||Yeah! It's crotchcorn!! Hey, want some crotchcorn?|
|Kimmy:||Check me out, I'm eating my crotchcorns! Wait, are crotchcorns a thing I don't know about? No, really! Are they a thing for real??|
"I suck at Life!!!"
Kimmy talking about the board game LIFE
"She looks like a Sour Patch Kid! Wait…. I meant Cabbage Patch Kid! She totally doesn’t look like the Sour Patch Kid package. Imagine if she DID, though…."
Kimmy, talking about Morgan from this video
"Shut up dog, I don’t want your herpes!!"
…I get the feeling Kimmy doesn’t fully understand what herpes are…
"So wait, if they’re pirates in this….does that make Davy a buttpirate? Nez always rubs his boner on him, he’s a buttpirate!"
Kimmy while watching “Hitting The High Seas”. I just can’t even right now….